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8 Ways to Prepare for the Next Russian Meteorite

February 15, 2013

#RussianMeteorite is famous. By now, you’ve witnessed the Internet explode with explosions of Russian proportions. You’ve heard that a brilliant meteorite just shot across Russia’s morning skies.

But who’s next? When the universe starts playing Bowser with your neighborhood, will you be ready?

8 Ways to prepare for the next Russian meteor strike

  1. Have your camera ready. You don’t want to be the chump who didn’t get Internet-famous because he didn’t get the next Russian meteorite on video, right? Of course not. And if you want to be that chump, well, only a chump would want to be a chump, so be happy, because you’re already there, chump. Great.
  2. Get a blog post ready. You guys have no idea how much I wish I’d had a stock blog post written up in case of an epic meteorite incident. Now it’s late and I have no idea what I’m doing, except that I’m trying to pump out a post chock-full of SEO keywords like “Russian meteorite” and “meteor” or “meteorite.” I should have seen this coming (see #6).
  3. Stock up on beef jerky. When the world ends, you’ll be good to go.
  4. Think of cool baby names. The next meteorite or meteor could in fact be some refugee from an exploded planet, like Superman. And you don’t want your adopted superhero to have a lame name like Clark Tool Kent. Meh.
  5. Think of cool superhero costumes. If that alien savior comes with an indestructible blanky, and if you feel like making it into a superhero costume later on, don’t put your beloved futuristic foster child’s underwear on the outside. It doesn’t belong there. That’s why it’s called “underwear.”
  6. Develop precognitive superpowers. If you know where the next Russian meteorite will strike, you can avoid that place. Unless you’re lame and feel like you can stop it from happening. That’s crazy talk.
  7. Give me $50. The rent I pay with it will help me stay someplace where I can think of a way to keep you safe.
  8. Read this blog post. Done? Good.

I put the “no” in “astronomy.”

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